Hold on...am I an emotional hoarder

So I spent the weekend organizing and cleaning. I was fussing at everyone in the house for holding on to junk that they didn't need anymore. Books, clothes, toys, anything that they think they may possibly be able to find a use for in the future. Reminds me of the folks on that show Hoarders. Shameful.

Then I came across a few rubbermaid storage containers I have in the basement-damn-I may be a hoarder. Ya'll, I have possibly everything I have ever written since I was in the fourth grade. But in my defense, everything I write is like my baby, so it's hard to throw away my thoughts and feelings. I have every card and letter anyone has every given me. But I don't get many letters and the ones I have especially from one of my fav cousins in Arkansas help me remember good times. Ok so I may have have an hoarding issue-specifically tied to emotions.

I didn't have an issue throwing thing away at all but I didn't have a few moments thinking about what used to be and what I thought things would be at this point in my life. It was the emotional attachment-good emotions- that made me stash those things away. I didn't keep the things that held bad emotional memories, but that didn't keep my mind from wandering to the sad places that ended the good times. Why do we do that-hoard things that remind us of good memories and immediately burn the things that have bad memories?

Would we be more emotionally rounded people of we give both the good and bad equal space in our hoard? It doesn't mean we need to roll around in the emotional flashbacks but keep them near and handy to peak at may not be a bad idea. This is why we let certain people constantly come back in our lives and hurt us again, we have tossed out all the bad emotions tied to the situation and only held on to the good. I heard that's why women have babies again and again-because we forget labor pains and turn around and do it again. We hold on to the beauty of the birth, not the screaming in pain and not knowing if when you push are you pooping or peeing-ewwww.

So after the kids went to bed, I allowed myself to sit and have my moments with my hoard. Good and bad-happy and sad. Then I prioritized and threw a bunch of junk away!

I can't be the only one thinking and feeling like this. Tell me, what things do you hoard- physically and emotionally? And how do you think we can clean up our own emotional clutter?

Am I waiting for the right one...

Day two of fighting a massive migraine. Home with a drugged up lil' guy who just had his tonsils and adenoids removed and wants to do nothing else besides watch Dr. Who-all of them-again. So what else can I do besides write.

Anyhow, I saw a post on facebook that stuck with me (as philosophical facebook posts often do-lol). It was: One day someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. Hmmm....

That thought could inspire great love poems and epic love stories but does it ring true in real life? Is there really a someone for everyone out there just waiting to be found? 

There are some relationships and marriages I honestly admire. They seem to just fit and workout so effortlessly. Then, there are others that always seem to be in turmoil and on the edge of seperation. The rest are somewhere in between-or at least we hope to be. How does this happen? How does one meet a partner that seems so perfectly matched yet others go through life always picking all the wrong ones?

I have been with the same guy for ages now-since the beginning of time-lol. It's been more like 11 years, but it feels like forever. When I met him, I thought I was sure he was the one! It all just seemed to fit and workout. He was THE ONE! My how new love can make you feel like nothing else matters. Years later, after many many ups and even more downs, we are still together, working hard to keep it together. Some days it's downright impossible and others it's as effortless as blinking your eyes. Marriage is an option we explored but have yet to leap into for various complex reasons. Knowing what I know now, I sometimes question my certainty back then? Is he the one for me? Am I the one for him? While our bond is often too deep to describe even in poetry, I still look at other relationships and wonder how I can make mine better.

I like to think of all the relationships we have before marriage as practice for the real thing. You get to test your patience and work out the details so you have it together for the 'one' you are meant to marry. This idea could be wrong. What if the 'one' doesn't exist the way we think we know it? What it the 'one' is a work in progress, like you and me and the real secret is for you two to work together to become what you are supposed to be. Then the question becomes, how much work makes the relationship worth it or not? How much patience and tolerance should one have in a relationship if your goal is marriage one day? Do you hold out for that person that makes it all easy? What if s/he never comes? What if you miss the 'one' because you are focused on a relationship that will never be what you need?

How do we know when we have found the right 'one'? I don't know, but the pursuit surely drives us all and has the power to destroy empires and inspire timeless works of art.

What do you think? Does the 'one' really exist or is s/he a someone we work with? How did you know if the love of your life was the 'one'? 

The kids may not be sleep, but you can still share-I'll be up all day and night with the Dr. Who marathon :)

Relax… Just act Natural

I just put the kids in the bed and decided to flat iron my hair for work tomorrow. A process I have a love hate relationship with for sure. Then I began to think about my hair styling options, maybe it’s time for a change.

I have never been one to jump on any fashion or style bandwagon. Things change too quickly for my taste and the last few years there seems to be a mass transition to sistas going natural. Trolling around on message boards and blogs folks seem to have strong opinions-even biases about our hair. You’re one thing if you chose to get a relaxer and you are another if you choose to go natural. You can’t win! Sista’s, relax, just act natural it’s only hair!

Full disclosure I have been there and done that with the natural phase. Way back in like ’05, ’06-I did the big chop before the big chop was a part of transformation blogs on youtube. As a matter of fact I likely have had every hair color, hairstyle and length (grown or mainly store bought) since I began my career as a kitchen beautician at the tender age of 13. I have experience on both ends of the spectrum and I let me give you the quick scoop.

As a natural sista, I definitely felt free. It’s humid or it’s gonna rain-who cares. Feeling kind of playful, I’ll throw in a flower or put on a scarf. Big dangly earrings to accent the ‘fro-heck yea! I could go back to straight in zero to 3 hours flat (lol) then right back to ‘fro nation after one wash. Unfortunately, the ‘fro didn’t work out. It was always dry-I mean no matter what I used. All natural oils, leave in conditioners, it didn’t matter. A few hours later it would always be right back dry. Combing/picking it out-Lord help me! Actually my boyfriend helped me-he literally had to help me pick out my hair! I am not tender-headed but I was in tears then as soon as it dried up it was shrunk right back down and here we go again with the moisturizer and picking. What didn’t work for me was my 4a/ 4c hair type (and lack of available products and tools-but that’s a whole other issue in this city) For you hair novices I have some quick easy info on hair types below.

Now you can see why I was in tears trying to detangle it even a little bit.

Fast forward years later to regular relaxers in 2011 when had a quarter life crisis and died my hair-didn’t like it and died it back. Bad idea. Although I do a great job taking care of my relaxed hair, it was in horrible shape after that. A year later after many cuts and trims to remove the thinning and damaged hair, I was back to the luscious locks. Thick, healthy relaxed hair. Touch ups every two or three months. Regular trims, regular deep conditioning treatments. Blow drying and flat ironing kept to a minimum. Alternating weekly co-wash and shampoo. Wrapping my head at night. I was on it ya’ll! Then I learned another hard lesson. Stress and poor eating habits are just as bad on your hair as crappy maintenance. My hair began to shed and shed and shed. I didn’t know if it was normal until I did some research.

Generally people have around 108,000-110,000 strands of hair for those with black or brown hair, 140,000 strands of hair for blondes and 90,000 for red heads. I know that seems off but hair thickness and wave/curl pattern play a big part. Losing 50-100 strands of hair a day is with-in normal range considering the different phases hair may be in at any given time.

I think I was losing around 150-175 strands a day. No I didn’t count, but having to clean the bathroom sink and sweep the floor every time I did my hair gave me a good idea. Ugh, I won’t even tell you how often I clogged my shower drain…

I began taking vitamins, using better hair care products (even making my own). Just generally taking better care of myself and lowering my stress level has helped a lot but I’m still left with a mystery-what to do with my hair.

My last relaxer (touchup) was in January of this year and I have slowly cut off the ends of my hair that were damaged beyond repair. (no product can repair split/damaged ends-it just needs to be cut)  I’m left with a half afro/half relaxed head and decision to make. Act natural, or just relax?

What are your natural, relaxed or hair dilemma stories?

I woke up one day a grown-up

Let me get this out here right away-I am surely still a sexy tenderoni who can drop it like it’s hot but I was just hit with the notion that I can’t recall when I became a grown-up. I know I didn’t just wake up one day and I was grown. I recall getting my first place, voting the first time, buying my first drink (legally and illegally) but I don’t know when I actually really became a grown-up. I can’t be the only one ya’ll, right?

There are many milestones that mark adulthood for us women. Some of them come too early (having a baby in high school) others seem to never happen (getting married or buying your first house). At some point, though, we look at our lives and the decisions we are making and say, “damn, I’m actually grown”.

Side note: if you are still finding yourself telling folks on a regular basis “I’m a grown ass woman” then you may not have reached that point for real.

It happened somewhere in my mid to late 20’s, I think. I mean I always acted like I was grown and felt like a goofy kid but now that I’m 28 (plus 2) there are many grown up things I find myself doing that I would have rolled my eye’s at in my self absorbed early 20’s or smaked my gum at in my fake hard chick late teens.

Things like clipping coupons. Checking in on my 401K and credit report on a regular basis. Parent teacher conferences and going up to the school cussing out teachers and principals (ok that last part may just be a lil’ ghetto but trust me it needed to be done so don’t act like ya’ll ain’t never done it). Chore lists and family calendars. Dinner parties and antacids. Self breast exams and migraines. Passing up the extra hot sauce and blazing hot wings because I know I will be sick later and ain’t nobody got time to be sick when all that damn laundry is waiting to be done (I miss my hot wings soooo much). See, grown up stuff. When did this happen? Can I undo it? I see chicks all the time who… never mind I won’t go there.

This is something that has been on my mind so a long long time. It’s the driving force behind the novel I have been trying to write for FIVE years. I know, that is shameful beyond words but here me out. I was recently struck with the epiphany that one the major reasons I can’t get it finished is because when I do I will have to admit that I am for real grown. That many of the plans and hopes and dreams I had for myself had not manifested partly because I refused to grow beyond who I thought I was at any given year. (yea that was a deep one) Bottom line. I am grown now, no going back. I am going to finally finish my first novel and the three others have already began planning over the last few years. Not fearing rejection or failure, I will accept my life, my grown-ness and work it ‘til the heels fall off!

To help myself with my goal-I will share snippets of the journey of my first novel here on my blog. It’s a coming of age story of three friends who try to hold on to their bond with each other as life-very dramatic life-happens. It tentatively titled, Should have Could have Would have. I hope you love it as much as I already do. Before I share, I would like ya’ll to share your thoughts on when you knew you were a grown woman. Go ahead be honest, the kids are sleep so they can’t disturb you…

Welcome Night owls

So, it's late and the kids are sleep. What to do?

Laundry-nah that's lame, who wants to fold clothes right now. 

Clean the kitchen-hell no! 

Have sex-eh I'll pass on that one too, well maybe revisit that idea later...

Write-ah yes that sounds like a much better idea!

Most of my days are spent taking care of everyone else, being a mediator, chef, chauffeur, maid, personal assistant, teacher, financial consultant, hair stylist, yadda yadda yadda. I'm left with the late nights after the kids are sleep, to take care of myself. Writing is my first love and lover I prefer to spend long nights with. I can sleep after I'm published and the kids are grown right?

It's also the time when I can text or chat with my girls about things we can't talk about when the kids are all up in our faces. Men, motherhood, plans to escape away from them (just kidding, kind of...)

This blog will be my sounding board for all the "after hours" mommy and writer things I come across. Bear with me while I navigate my way through the world of blogging and and adding content. I won't lie and say it will be life changing or even serious most of the time, but I can promise you great insight, advice, a few laughs and few tears and always conversations where you don't have to be afraid to be the marvelous mommies and wonderful writers that you are...

Now shhh...the kids are sleeping let's get started.

What do you do with your nights after the kids are asleep?